And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
