he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
