Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
