it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
