did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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