i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
