i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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