somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
