Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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