She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
