dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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