It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
