do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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