Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
