dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
