I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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