he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
