I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
