i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
