So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i came on her dog
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
