How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
