it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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