Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
