i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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