very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
