got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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