Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The air was thick with penises
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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