And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
