i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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