allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
