Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
sarcasm needs its own font
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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