I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
