Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
