I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i think my cat just said my name.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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