Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
