Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
