Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
handjob tips. give me some.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
