We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
