I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
