Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
