I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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