i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
