It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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