Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she peed on how many people?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
