we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
