Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
