Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
