why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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