I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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