My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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